June 12, 2004
"Growth is the voluntary acceptance of oneself and jadedness is
the involuntary acceptance of the things one can't change."
I think I'm on the onset of a quarter life crisis. I recognise that the next 4 or 5 years is a crucial period of my life. A period in which I would probably have to face many choices and make many decisions, and each and every one of them potentially life-changing. I also recognise that increasingly, the occurence of many things in life are no longer in my hands. That's quite ironic? Consider that I am financially independent, socially accepted, and am in a job that makes most of my friends somewhat envious.
I think there are many rifts between realities (or responsibilities) and dreams (or wants). And so little time to attend to all of them, so little resources to meet all of them. I find myself accepting more realities and trying to be brave and strong towards all of them. It's just amazing, and scary, how sometimes you internalise the 'should's in life and it becomes second nature. Only during what I term 'fatal hours' do you suddenly feel your fatigue and longing to withdraw from this crazy life. What if my dreams are actually the right reality?
Kyn darling> Sometimes, I act so well that I don't quite know when I'm acting and when I'm not. Only when I feel sick and tired from all these illusions do I realise that I'm long over due in taking a bow. We are all the same. Just that I've a higher threshold of holding on in harsh conditions.
The delicate balance is lost for now. I'm trying to seek some peace of mind from divine help. I still will not pray. But I think I will go practise some Buddhism philosophy.
One day, I might become someone you don't recognise. But, until that happens, I'm involuntarily trying to avoid a part of myself.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:16